Science Answers the Question: Are Soul Mates Real?

Science Answers the Question: Are Soul Mates Real?
14 Things Every Man Thinks About On the First Date
Are Long Distance Relationships Going Extinct?

Posted: 08 Jan 2015 08:07 PM PST

Do you believe in soul mates? A soul mate is, according to Wikipedia, “a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity.” Which means, contrary to popular belief, it can extended beyond the type of love we’re all familiar with, that of star-crossed lovers who swear their hearts to each other. It can involve, “similarity, love, romance, friendship, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and trust.”

Personally, I love the idea that soul mates can be friends. It makes the idea of soul mates a little easier for me to believe in. I shy away from the idea that there’s only “one soul mate for everybody” and that this soul mate is your “one true love.” Because otherwise, what if you don’t find them? Are you screwed? Do you just deem whomever you’re with as your soul mate to escape the crushing feeling of “what if”?

So are soul mates real? It probably depends upon what you’re willing to believe.

According to an article by PsychCentral, there are different kinds of soul mates, and I don’t mean friends vs. lovers. They’ve picked out three different kinds of soul mate relationships.

First, there’s the karmic connection. This kind of soul mate comes into your life to teach you something about yourself and love. Debbie Nagioff, a “working clairvoyant”, says this karmic soul mate exists because, “A lesson has to be learned and a debt repaid. This can be extremely painful, but necessary for our spiritual growth. Once the lesson is learned, the relationship has done its job.” So this kind of soul mate isn’t a forever and ever kind. This soul mate comes and goes into your life. To me, that sounds like one particular relationship I had in which our connection was very strong but we didn’t last long, and when he left, it was incredibly painful — but I learned a lot from that relationship.

Then, there’s the “soul mate connection”, and what’s great about this type of connection is that you can have more than one. This type of soul mate is closer to the aforementioned Wikipedia definition, as it is a “relationship which makes you feel positive, an instant uplift of the spirit, energy boost up from within. A soul mate can be of the same gender, best friend, mother, father, sister, brother or anyone.” This is the definition of “soul mates” that I am happiest to believe in. To me, it sounds the most realistic.

Finally, there’s the The Twin Souls/ Twin Flame Connection. This is the connection that you typically think of when you think of the term “soul mates” — with this one, you’re in it for the long haul. Nagioff explains, “Here, there is an instant attraction of energies, the energy of the two souls connecting over time, over miles, and sometimes over years.” But it isn’t quite that easy. Often, there is one part of the couple that is a little more reluctant to give into the process. “[…] one half of the duo is more spiritually awakened and 'gets it.' The other half may not be quite there, but nevertheless, they are deeply touched by the experience.” Like the name “Twin Flame” suggests, this is more of a slow burn. Another note about the Twin Souls connection — it might hit you when you least expect it. Timing is everything with this relationship. Nagioff states, “Twin soul connections never happen at convenient times. There is often the matter of existing and committed relationships, money issues, and a whole million other practical and logical reasons why these two, on the surface, shouldn't be together.” So it’s going to take a very patient and enduring couple to make it happen.

I like that notion, that it takes hard work, that just because you have a soul mate doesn’t mean it’s an instant happy-sunshine-and-rainbows thing.

Has any of this changed your belief in soul mates? Psychology Today reported on a study in 2011 in which they polled Americans to see who believed in soul mates, and 73% of Americans believed in the idea of one true soul mate. Surprisingly (at least for me), more men than women believed in the notion, with 74% to women’s 71%. Unsurprisingly (again, at least for me), younger people are more inclined to believe in soul mates. Seventy-nine percent of people under 45 believe in them, as opposed to 69% of individuals over 45.

Psychology Today went a little further and determined that believing in and looking for a soul mate is actually not the best way to go. Why? Because of the karmic connection theory – that you’ll meet someone and have an incredibly passionate relationship that will burn out. They reported on Research by Knee (1998) who found this to be true. He compared the relationships of those who believed in soul mates to those who believed in “relationship growth”, which they define as, “a belief that relationships are developed with work over time.”

They discovered that those who believe in soul mates were actually less likely to be committed to one partner, particularly when problems in the relationship arose and things became difficult. Maybe that’s because those who believe in soul mates believe that when you find that one person everything will “click” and the “instant happy-sunshine-and-rainbows thing” that I mentioned, happens. And when it doesn’t, they’re out, believing that soul mates don’t actually exist, when really, it’s just that every relationship takes work.

Also, they found that soul mate believers tend to be more anxious in their relationships and aren’t as forgiving as those who believe in relationship growth.

This is why they maintain that you shouldn’t believe in soul mates, reminding you that, “Ultimately, no one is perfect – or a perfect fit for a partner. It takes work, growth, and change to keep a relationship going and satisfying over time.” The people who believe in relationship growth are those who take the time and patience to work out their kinks and resolve their issues. Thus, their relationships tend to last the tests of time, instead of flaming out.

Writer Elizabeth Gilbert even goes as far as to suggest that you don’t marry your soul mate, saying, “A true soul mate is a mirror….A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.” This definitely goes against what most of us think of when we think of soul mates — that it’s someone we find and marry and spend the rest of our lives with. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with her advice, but I definitely agree with not marrying someone who causes you pain, and if that’s what a true soul mate does, then I’m out.

I believe that ultimately, it’s simple: if you meet someone you fall in love with and can’t live without, sure, that can mean they’re your soul mate, but you’re still gonna have to work on your relationship. A soul mate does not equal a perfect partner or a perfect relationship, which I think is something people forget. Because really, we’re all people, with our own individual likes and dislikes and ticks and annoyances and habits. When you enter a relationship, you have to learn to adapt with these factors, or it will never work, soul mate or not.

SO, what do you believe? Do you believe in soul mates, and if so, what kind? Or do you believe in something else instead, like relationship growth?

Image via WeHeartIt.

Science Answers the Question: Are Soul Mates Real? is a post from the: WeLoveDates blog

14 Things Every Man Thinks About On the First Date

Posted: 07 Jan 2015 05:00 PM PST

Sex.

If you want to be more specific you could say a man thinks "I hope I like this woman enough to want to sleep with her." But is this question as simple as it sounds? As a man I can tell you with all honesty that it's a bit more complicated than that. Why is it more complicated? Well just like every woman, every man is a little different.

MEN ARE SIMPLE RIGHT?

Wrong. Men are every bit as complicated (or messed up…it depends on your perspective) as women are. There are some consistencies amongst men so let's explore those first. When preparing for a first date men spend as much (if not more) time in getting ready for it. Here are some titbits of what men sometimes do before a date.

DATE PREP
A) We will stand in front of the mirror for a long time.
My personal record was 45 minutes when trying to style my style-less hair. In the end I gave up and walked off looking like a cross between an upside down brush and a punker from the 80s.
B) We will obsess over where to go on the date.
This can be really stressful. On the one hand we might want to impress our date by suggesting a walk around an art gallery or stop in at a free gig. On the other hand we might want to impress by being understated and "Chilled Out" so suggest meeting in a low key bar somewhere before going on to have some food. In either case we will spend hours (often days), trying to figure out the best place or places to take you.
C) We will then obsess over whether or not we've made a mistake on choosing where to go on the date.
Yep, once we've finally made the decision on where to take you, we'll then have a nervous breakdown over whether or not you think we're a complete idiot for even suggesting it.
D) We will read your email/text messages trying to decipher whether or not we think we're going to get laid.
I'd be lying if I said this does not cross our minds when preparing for the date. We like sex. A lot. We don't apologise for that, but we do apologise for obsessing about it. Sorry.

EVERY MAN IS DIFFERENT (slightly)

This is often hard to believe for many women, but it is true. All men vary in their attitudes towards women and dating. Some men are just out for sex. Some men are out for a wife. Some men are out on a rebound. Some men are bastards. Some men aren't. Some men just aren't sure what they're after. Men are different just like women are different. So what goes through our minds when we're on that illustrious first date?

MALE STEREOTYPES
First we need to talk about the stereotypes. You will often find some elements of these in every man you meet. We've broken them down into 4 types of men to give you more of an idea on what you might expect from a man when out on a first date.

GUY 1 – Casanova
Casanova is hornier than all the other men out on a first date. He will imagine himself having sex with you before you've even ordered your starters. Casanova's principle aim is to try and get you into bed. Whether or not you want to let him get you into bed is another matter. He will woo and charm the panties/knickers off you if you let him.

GUY 2 – Romeo
Romeo is horny just like Casanova, but unlike Casanova, Romeo is able to control his urges better because he wants to see if he likes you. Hard as it may be for some women to believe, men know that sex is often better when in an intimate relationship. Romeo considers sex with you to be something worth waiting for.

GUY 3 – Genghis Khan
Genghis can be a bit of a bastard. He considers you a conquest and nothing more. He will act like he doesn't care about you and will display a lot of behaviour designed to annoy yet intrigue you. If you are simply out for some meaningless sex then Genghis will hook you up. If you're out for something more than you might want to give Genghis the finger before clubbing him with the door on your way out.

GUY 4 – George Bernard Shaw
George will hardly talk to you during the date because he'll be too nervous. He might cover this by asking lots of questions designed to fill awkward silences. He also might try and make you laugh by telling a lot of jokes. All of this is to cover his nervousness. He might really like you, even if you think he might be emotionally retarded.

There are more stereotypes but in essence you can find characteristics from the above with most men on a first date. So now that we've laid the groundwork the answer to the $60,000,000 question awaits.

The Most Common Things To Cross a Man's Mind on the First Date

The order in which these are written can be re-written depending on what type of guy you're with on that first date. We interviewed 50 men between the ages of 22 and 50 to gain an idea of the kinds of things a guy thinks about during a first date. The results vary between hilarious, sad and slightly odd. Nevertheless they all contain elements of the guy stereotypes we talked about before. They also help clarify to women just how complicated and nervous a guy can be on a first date, despite appearances.

1. You're shorter than I expected.
This response was common amongst men between the ages of 22 and 35 who have tried online dating.
2. You look nothing like your picture.
Again this response came in stronger from men in the lower age bracket. Whereas a lot of men lie about their height online, a lot of women know how to choose the best picture of themselves.
3. This is going really well! I wonder if I should try and kiss her.
Almost all the respondents said that this thought crossed their minds when they felt the date was going well.
4. If I kiss her, I wonder if she'll kiss me back?!
Hot on the heels of 'I wonder if I should try and kiss her' comes the inevitable ego worry.
5. I really fancy her. Should I try and bring her back to mine?
Yep, the old sex question rears its head through a man's mind when he thinks the first date is going well. I was relieved to know that women often think about this too on a first date.
6. I hope she doesn't expect me to pay for everything.
Welcome to the 21st Century. As with the rest of the world so dating also enters the modern era. Men now worry if a woman expects them to pay for everything on a first date. Many women consider a man paying as a courteous gesture, but most men now feel that as women are just as independent as men, they should not automatically expect a man to pay for everything on the first date. Most of the respondents cited a 50/50 split as a good compromise for a first date.
7. She has amazing boobs/tits/breasts.
Ah the physical objectification of body parts. We know you're used to your boobs, but we're not, and we love them.
8. She has an amazing ass.
The physical objectification continues. (FYI – We know women do it too)
9. She's got really nice eyes.
Once we get our eyes above breast level we start to notice yours. Eyes can be used as one of the most flirtatious devices during a first date. They are potentially the best weapon in your arsenal if you like or hate your date. Use them wisely and we'll know instantly.
10. I think I'm going to marry this woman.
Note: do not say yes on a first date.
11. I hope she doesn't notice the spots on my face.
Perceived physical imperfections give men just as much grief as they do women.
12. I don't fancy her but I don't know how to exit the date…
Nice to know this same question plagues men just as much as women on an awkward first date. My favourite female response was "If I don't think it's going well, I get up shake the guy's hand and say it was nice to meet him before walking out." My favourite male response was "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I always say 'I'll text you'"
13. I hope I don't smell.
Did you wash?
14. I don't know what to say.
Not the first thing that comes into your head.

Men and Women = Confusion
So there you have it, men are often just as unsure as women are on a first date. Both sexes send out mixed signals. Dating has changed a lot in the past decade but the basic questions remain: does he/she like me? Do I like him/her? We all get caught up in the confusion of how to get the answers to those basic questions, but this leaves one last question:

Would it be easier if we simply asked our date?

14 Things Every Man Thinks About On the First Date is a post from the: WeLoveDates blog

Are Long Distance Relationships Going Extinct?

Posted: 06 Jan 2015 05:00 PM PST

What happens when a generation, jaded by the lost dreams of their parents, refuses to sacrifice their aspirations on the altar of a relationship? What happens when a generation has long ago stopped choosing "either/or" and instead chooses "both/and"?

Starting with millennials, the ever-questioning, no-bullshit generation, the rules of the long distance relationship are changing. With those changes, we may very well lose the notion of the long distance relationship in any traditional sense of the word. For millennials, a relationship doesn't mean that you're not free to chase your dreams, even if those dreams take you far from home. But it does mean approaching the long distance relationship a little differently than most people have in the past.

Two Traditional Long Distance Options

Before we talk about the new way that millennials are approaching long distance relationships, let's take a look at the traditional path of the long distance relationship. In the past, if you and your partner couldn't be in the same city, you have two options: either try to make the relationship work with Skype conversations and compromises, or end the relationship.

Option 1: Making it Work

Whether you're going off to college, traveling abroad extensively, or taking a job in a new city, you may find yourself considering a long-distance relationship. If you're determined to be together, you'll have no choice but to do what I call the traditional long distance tango: schedule calls with each other, possibly through various different timezones, and fight endlessly over Skype.

But there are other reasons besides distance that can put a strain on your relationship. For example, the person who is away from home sometimes meets new people who could threaten their relationship. Additionally, new experiences often lead to realizing that there is so much more to life than what you thought before. Experiences have a way of changing people, and you may not be the same person you were when you left. These are all risks of the long distance relationship.

If the relationship beats the odds and manages to withstand the challenges of being away from home, you vow never to let each other leave again. It's too big of a risk to the relationship. To solidify your commitment to one another, you get married immediately. The person who left to pursue their dreams counts their adventure as a valuable but distant memory that was "one of the best experiences" of their life. Then you promptly assimilate into "normal," never daring to leave again for fear of trivializing your relationship. As an experienced traveler and adventurer, I have seen this happen more times than I can count.

Option 2: Ending It

The only other option traditionally was to end your relationship, sacrificing it in favor of life experiences. Once you make this decision, you go do your thing, whether it's helping children in Africa, learning Spanish in Spain, going scuba diving in Thailand, or going backpacking in Europe. Maybe you meet some hot traveler and have a steamy but brief romance, then you come back home. You've made your bed, so to speak, and now there is no one waiting for you in it when you get home. With no ties keeping you there, you might even set off again to repeat the same process.

A New Solution

But these options were insufficient for many millennials. So in our usual style of being unsatisfied with the status quo, we carved out a third option when previous generations said it couldn’t be done. That option is to say yes to our relationship, and also say yes to a life full of valuable experiences. Why should we have to choose between the two?

So how do we do that? Through various alternative arrangements.

The most common arrangement is what's called the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. In this arrangement, both parties are free to date or see other people, as long as they keep it to themselves and don't tell their partner. It's difficult and heartbreaking to know that your partner is seeing someone else. That's why many couples choose simply to pretend it isn't happening. When and if the couple can be together again, they'll pick up where they left off. No need to air out dirty laundry. By then, it's all in the past.

Some couples take the opposite approach: that is, they agree that both partners can see other people, but only if they do disclose it to one another. While it's no doubt more emotionally difficult to handle the thought of your boyfriend or girlfriend with another person, some people find it easier because they know they can trust their partner to always tell them what's going on.

Another common alternative option is simply to terminate the relationship until both people find themselves in the same place again. Couples often do this and plan to be together if the stars align in the future to do so. This is similar to the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. If someone isn't technically your boyfriend or girlfriend, you don't have to tell them who you've been seeing. Many times, the couple is still in contact. Often couples get back together when they're in the same place again.

The Cause For the Shift

There are a few things that have empowered millennials to adopt this attitude. First, we have every opportunity at our fingertips and the encouragement and resources to take advantage of them. It's true what they say: compared with generations before us, we are privileged. With studies abroad, extended trips, cool volunteer opportunities, and more people earning postgraduate degrees, there is more reason than ever before to get off the grid for a few months or longer and have a new experience.

Additionally, our parents are encouraging us to accomplish our dreams no matter where we need to go to do that. Our whole lives, our parents have been telling us about their regrets: the places they didn't see, the things they didn't do, all because they got married and had children young. Maybe they were focused on their careers, then looked up 30 years later to wonder where all the time went. Their dreams were squandered. There's nothing they want more for their children than for us to say "yes" to everything: travel, learning, experiences, and life.

Another reason millennials' are less inclined to choose between life experiences and relationships is our cynicism about the fate of relationships. At the same time we were listening to our parents urge us to experience life instead of rushing into marriage and family, about half of us watched our parents' marriages end, and the other half of us watched our friends' parents' marriage end. As a result, instead of growing up dreaming of "happily ever after," we began to think it was just a bad bet. We don't want to pass up great opportunities for a relationship that may not work out in the end.

Millennials are also getting married later and later than previous generations, and it's a viable option for some of us to never marry at all. The thought of being alone doesn't paralyze us with fear. This too allows us to let go of our relationships while we explore life and discover what makes us happy.

Millennials are also more comfortable with uncertainty than previous generations. We'd rather be uncertain and honest than to be certain and delusional. With the recession that laid off our parents from jobs to which they've been committed for a decade or more, we have learned how quickly circumstances can change. We've taken that lesson and applied it to our relationships. Maybe your partner will meet someone while you're traveling in South America for the summer. Or maybe they won't, and you'll be together forever. You'll just have to wait and see.

What's the point of waiting while your partner is accomplishing his or her dreams away from home? While it hurts to know that your partner is with another person, many millennials prefer to sidestep that part altogether simply by not talking about it. Sure, that doesn't solve the problem, but at least everyone is getting their needs met. We've learned not to depend on the same feelings being there in 6 months that are there today. Life changes too fast.

What Is the Future of Long Distance Relationships?

So culture is changing and people are more likely to consider alternative methods of making their relationship work. But the world is also getting smaller with technological advances. Some people think that long distance relationships will become even more common with applications like Skype and WhatsApp making you feel like you're in the same room with someone rather than being across the globe. But those technological capabilities make us take our long distance relationships for granted rather than appreciate them more.

Only time will tell what will happen in the future with long distance relationships. Perhaps these new paths will make the idea of a long distance relationship even more appealing, and therefore a more common occurrence than before. Maybe it will even improve the success rate of long distance relationships, which are notorious for ending in breakups. Whatever happens, millennials are saying yes, both to chasing our dreams and to our relationships.

Are Long Distance Relationships Going Extinct? is a post from the: WeLoveDates blog