Online Dating Insider: March 2015

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Baggage Reclaim: Empowering advice for helping you offload your baggage & discover the great you that already exists.

We must stop reinforcing shame. It’s OK for us to like and love ourselves.

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 02:55 PM PDT

What’s so bad about saying that we like and love ourselves? Or, what’s so bad about saying that we would like to get to know ourselves and evolve our relationship to one that’s coming from a place of healthier self-esteem and personal security? Doesn’t this benefit everyone all round? Isn’t this better than looking for romantic partners and other people in our lives, to fill voids or even parent us? Isn’t this better than rocking up to relationships expecting this person to tell us who we are and validate us?

What’s so bad about saying, “I’m OK” or “I like and accept myself”?

When did things get so bad that being self-aware, having some self-worth and self-compassion, along with internalising our accomplishments, achievements and deeds, became a source of embarrassment and shame?

Some people teach shame.

They teach us to feel wrong, bad, and humiliated. When we were little, we may have been told that “good girls” or “good boys” don’t take pride in who they are because it’s “showing off” or it will make people uncomfortable, envious or jealous. We may have gotten into the habit of dimming our light to fit in with or boost others. We may associate even the teensiest kind thought or action of self-appreciation as “selfish”, “uppity” or “self-involved”. It may be embedded in us as a default reaction to fear thinking decently of ourselves or thinking independently in case we cause embarrassment and problems.

Even though we’re grown-ups and know that the teachings are wrong, we remain loyal to the pattern out of fear of betraying and upsetting the proverbial applecart. This keeps us small.

Sometimes this happens because the person is trying to squash us because they then get to feel big or certainly less inadequate, but often, they think that they’re teaching us protective life lessons designed to spare us from a bigger pain that they imagine for us.

Reading stories from readers and students who are people pleasers or who just quite simply don’t like themselves, there was this recurring theme:

Often, when a person projects their fears and perspective onto us through criticism or distorted talk and ‘lessons’, it’s their way of not only protecting us from, for example, failing or being ridiculed, but it’s about controlling us so that they can feel in control and fit in with whoever they’re trying to please. They may have wanted us to tow the line so that they looked good to the community, parish, family etc. They are in their own pattern.

In being taught shame whether it was directly or inferred, when we continue with the same habits of thinking and behaviour rather than getting conscious, aware, and present and choosing what to continue with from the past, we reteach and reinforce that shame. A shame I might add that isn’t our burden to carry.

When we say, “I like and accept myself” or similar, we’re not saying that we’re narcissists or aspiring to be; that would be to have a very shallow relationship that’s reliant on collecting “supply” and crushing others so that we can big ourselves up. That would mean doing things with brute force and trickery. It would mean having an overinflated sense of our own importance that’s reliant on having very little self-awareness never mind empathy.

We’re also not saying that we don’t want to evolve. We can accept ourselves and know where we want to grow. Instead of doing it from a place of being self-critical and even cruel, we do it with respect and awareness.

If more of us expanded our awareness, it would deepen our relationships and impact on how we felt within our experiences, especially since our viewpoint changes when we stop wearing a low self-esteem lens.

We can often be afraid to have an honest conversation with ourselves, to listen and respond kindly, to keep a Feelings Diary, or write Unsent Letters to help us not only release ourselves from the bind of anger, pain, and resentment but to also be the driver of changing our narrative on experiences from the past inform our self-image.

There can be a fear of taking ownership because when we’re so used to feeling a certain way, to continue as is feels safer. We can avoid our personal responsibility plus the past is known whereas the future isn’t. We lose our mojo with the self-work if it doesn’t generate instant or fast results and go back to repeating what we already know doesn’t work while secretly accepting failure.

There is another way. It is OK to be OK. We are allowed to develop our internal dialogue and relationship to a more positive one. Really, the only people who would truly object to us doing this, are those who feel threatened by the change because they see it as questioning their world view, as well as those who seek to benefit from us staying in a less than role.

Having a healthier relationship with ourselves means our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health will reap the benefit plus we come at our relationships from a place of love, care, trust and respect.

We cannot truly know that we are liking, loving, respecting, trusting, and caring for others until we are familiar with that being directed inside from us.

People who like others while hating themselves, like from a place of loathing and like for the wrong reasons because they feel inferior. That’s not a mutual relationship and in order to feel inferior, we have to judge. Whether we feel superior or inferior, what we can be sure of is that we’re acting as if our beliefs and perceptions are accurate.

Who is to say that our comparison and judgement measuring tape is accurate?

People who love others while having very little love for themselves, cross into codependency and may also unwittingly look for these people to fill voids or to help in some sort of reenactment of the past so that they can try to right the wrongs of it. They look for salvation.
People who claim to respect others while at the same time disrespecting themselves, are often unaware of where they are crossing boundaries, both their own and those of others.
People who trust others while lacking self-trust, invariably bust their own boundaries due to lack of self-reliance and overriding vital inner information. They trust others to pass the buck and they also trust on the basis that they don’t believe in the value of their own word and judgement.
People who care about others while neglecting themselves, don’t finish off the loop of compassion. They do a lot of good deeds but they also tend to throw themselves under a bus in the process. They care in the hopes that they can pay off the resentment and pain. They’re waiting for the tipping point of caring where they finally feel decent about themselves. It gives them a purpose and a distraction. They may mistake pity for compassion, empathy, and love.

We can’t keep relying on others to tell us that we’re OK. It’s exhausting and disempowering. We also cannot expect to make good decisions, or feel good or be in good relationships when we’re repeating thinking and behaviour that lead to the opposite.

We have to stop reinforcing shame. We must forgive ourselves and open our minds up to recognising where we’re treating our own beliefs or the mutterings of others as factual or even “the law”, when they’re not. Parents and other people we have viewed as authorities, are not infallible.

We have to do the adult thing and stop obeying shame and start obeying the call from within to take better care of us.

We cannot keep ourselves small just so that we can give the impression that another person is never wrong or beyond question. What’s the point in repeatedly shaming ourselves just so that we keep the legacy of their shame intact? Truth and compassion take down shame.

Learning to like, love, care about, trust and respect ourselves is a process and a journey of which only we can be the driver and we can begin at any time. It starts with a decision and that decision is to choose and keep re-choosing to love instead of choosing to shame.

Your thoughts?

Dating Sites Reviews

PlentyofFish Hits 100 Million Users Worldwide

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 03:33 AM PDT

PlentyofFish might not be making headlines the way Tinder has in the past few months, but its growth continues to be one of the online dating industry's biggest successes. The company has announced that it hit the 100 million user milestone recently, and also revealed that it's been a profitable company from its beginning, now with a $100 million run rate predicted for 2015.

POF has relied on a mixture of ads and premium subscriptions for revenue since 2008 (prior to this, ads only). In ...

[New post] 11 Simple Ways to Spruce Up Your Home Office

Monday, March 30, 2015

Dating Sites Reviews

Online Dating Spikes In Spring, Says Zoosk

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 03:38 AM PDT

There's something magical about springtime. After a winter of hibernation, everyone is ready throw on shorts and venture outside for the first time in three months, blinking and stumbling into the light like survivors of a disaster movie.

Unless, like me, you live in New York City and spent your first day of spring cowering under a blanket, watching snow fall outside your window and cursing the weather gods. It's not all shorts and sundresses yet, but come May sunbathing in Cent ...

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Dating Sites Reviews

You Shouldn't Post Perfect Online Dating Photos And Here's The Mathematical Reason Why

Posted: 29 Mar 2015 06:45 AM PDT

Everyone in online dating talks about how important the profile photo is. We try to act like looks don't matter as much as what's underneath – and although that's true in the long run, you're lying to yourself if you think looks don't matter at all. Picture yourself shopping. You don't purchase the products with subpar packaging; you go for the ones that look nice, regardless of which one is actually better.

Like it or not, we are all judging and being judged online. As you atte ...

Saturday, March 28, 2015

attractandseducehotwomen.com

The Best and Worst Dates to Take Her on

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 03:41 PM PDT

You got her number, great, now what? Is it going to be a movie, dinner or something different? Movie and/or dinner are two classic places to take women on dates as you may know already. It’s also an opportunity to make some classic mistakes as well. Avoid having her put you in the same category she has put a lot of guys in already and really stand out by avoiding the following dates ideas.

The details:

Worst: Dinner

Dinner has been the go-to for most guys these days. I mean it’s easy and reliable but very generic as well. Dinner results in having the conversation be the only source of entertainment. As you may know, this put’s a lot of pressure on both sides. Especially on a first date. The guy would also lose an opportunity to add some necessary physical touch to the interaction if he is sitting across from her. This would make it very challenging to go for even a kiss later that night.

Best: Comedy Club

Taking her here solves a lot of first date mistakes and allows you to really connect with her not only emotionally but physically as well. Going to a comedy club eliminates a lot of pressure because it’s not going to be just two people chatting together. Usually their are sets during a comedy gig and their is a reasonable amount of time in between to talk to your date about the gig. It’s also been said that people feel closer to each other when they laugh together.

Worst: Movie

This is probably the worst option here. Sitting in a dark theater, silent for two hours is not a really an effective way to get to know someone. This definitely won’t increase your chances of taking her home with you that night (If that is what your looking for). Touching is very important for people to connect even more and trying to touch her when you can’t even see her is a bit frightening.

Best: Bar hopping

Going to a variety of venues within a short amount of time will make you feel like you know each other more than staying at one venue the entire night. Making sure you sit with her side by side at the bar will allow you to flirt with her at a higher physical level. Starting out your touching in very socially acceptable ways and slowly making the touch more intimate will not only make the night more memorable but dramatically increase the chances of getting at least a kiss that same night.

Worst: Any location that would cause you to spend a lot of money

Impressing a women really does not mean spending your money like their is no tomorrow. You would put a lot of pressure on most girls by spending too much money on them on the first couple of dates, especially the first one. In many cases this would push her further away from you rather then bringing both of you together. Find very reasonable places to take your date that will not cause you to drain your wallet.

Best: Bowling

Make sure you choose a bowling spot that has good music and drinks. This option will set you up for a more exiting evening.

Attention if your under the age of 30

According to dating expert Jason Capital, if your under the age of 30, YOU DO NOT DATE.

It’s very important to understand that going on a date with a girl that is also under the age of 30 is putting a lot more pressure on both parties.

Instead of dating, you want to “hang out” with the girl.

Host a house party where you can invite your friends and invite the girl your attracted to along with her friends. This lowers the pressure dramatically and really increases your chances of getting the girl and taking things farther.

It’s very important you always invite the girl your interested in to an activity that won’t put too much pressure on both of you. The above great dating options are acceptable as long as you make it clear that you and her are just hanging out together and that it’s not a “date”.

According to Jason Capital, the only time it’s acceptable to invite girls out on dates if your under the age of 30 is after you already have a sexual relationship with her already. So only mention taking her out on a date after getting sexual with her first.

Bottom line:

Now that you know some of the best and worst dates to take her on, you will be able to easily tell if your date idea is a good one. Avoid making the same mistake a lot of guys are making when it comes to where to go for on your first date. Remember, it’s very important that if your under the age of thirty you topically don’t want to mention anything about a “date” only until you have slept with her already. What you do instead is hang out.

Are you part of my community of successful lovers? Yes, great, your on your journey to getting anything you want out of your love life. If, no, click here to join for FREE.

Want to really blow your date away with how you dress? Check this video out by my friend Ryan Magin. He is a fashion expert and will help you to always look your best in very affordable ways.

The post The Best and Worst Dates to Take Her on appeared first on attractandseducehotwomen.com.

Dating Sites Reviews

How To Write Your Online Dating Profile Like A Marketing Expert

Posted: 28 Mar 2015 11:12 AM PDT

When we talk about dating, it's often referred to as a game. We even call some people "players."

But as much fun as games are, it isn't the most effective metaphor for online dating. Real success comes when you put your power suit on (mentally) and treat online dating like a business. You are the product, and the best way to sell that product is to run a strong marketing campaign.

Think of your profile as a sales pitch. The right one will attract the target customer an ...

Friday, March 27, 2015

Baggage Reclaim: Empowering advice for helping you offload your baggage & discover the great you that already exists.

Admit The Cover-Up & Stop Overcompensating

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 02:52 PM PDT

Never treat you like you don't matter just to prove to someone else how much they matter

Over the years of writing BR, I’ve emphasised how relationships are 100:100. We have to own our own and let others own theirs. We have to show up and be our true selves rather than show up on the basis that we are half of a person and that we’ll do a bit and they’ll do the rest. With the whole 50:50 premise, we’re leaving a lot out. Where did the other 50% of us go? It’s difficult to dispute when we’re putting our whole selves in and are willing to evolve but once we start making others responsible for part of what we should be doing, the waters get murky.

There’s a very specific reason though why going into relationships with a 100:100 outlook is vital:

When we have a 50:50 mentality and we’re of the people pleasing, trying to fill voids inclination, we tend to overcompensate for our partners because aside from being excessively emotionally reliant on them for our self-esteem and very quickly struggling to discern where we end and they begin, we on some level don’t feel worthy and take ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour. This means that we feel that we are more responsible for the relationship than they are.

We’re thinking in 50:50 terms and then devaluing ourselves (or feeling devalued) and then feeling that we are 70:30, 80:20, or even 90:20 responsible for the relationship.

We know that we have things twisted when we deny, rationalise and minimise concerns as well as our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings and opinions. We keep telling ourselves that the reason why a person is unable to show up emotionally and in other ways, is because they’re having a “tough time” or are “busy”, or that we’re “needy”, “too sensitive”, or that it must be our “problems”. We pull back, tread carefully, up the efforts, shrink a little (or a lot), force a smile, keep trying to show how much we love and care only to feel as if that’s making it worse, and sometimes put up with some pretty unpleasant if not downright abusive carry-on.

Part of us is almost thinking, Jeez – all they have to do is the exam equivalent of showing up and signing their name! I’ll take care of the rest! Or, we’re thinking along the lines of, If it were me and I had somebody right here ready to love and care about me (even though I wasn’t pulling my weight), I’d be so grateful and loving. I wouldn’t want to leave.

Of course, the problem is that when they do leave or there are attempts to tackle the issues, because we covered their ‘share’ of the relationship and felt excessively responsible, we also feel excessively to blame.

We blame ourselves for it going wrong, for not being “enough” and keep trying to retrace our steps to figure out where we botched things and wondering what happened to the “amazing” person that they were in be beginning… when we didn’t really know them and they hadn’t unfolded.

At what point did we start covering for them?

For many Blame Absorbers, it can be right at the beginning, often because they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s this underlying concern that this person may figure out that they’ve made a mistake so they buffer this by making some overpayments into the pleasing investment account (like when we make overpayments on our mortgages). This overcompensating can also happen because on some level below the awareness line, they sense that this person chimes with their pattern…so again, they get cracking with building them up. It can come down to an uneasiness that comes with the familiarity of certain feeling and thought responses to what is happening, or the familiarity of the person’s behaviour. It may feel like ‘home’…

It might start at what appears to the early signs of problems. Things may appear hunkydory and then, boom! They come back one day and it’s as if they’ve turned into Hollowman or Hollowwoman. The lights are on but nobody’s home. Or they suddenly respond lukewarm or coldly where they appeared to previously reciprocate and enjoy something. Maybe it’s after the first conflict or after feeling wounded by criticism. They’re asked if something is bothering them or whether they’re “OK” and they claim that everything’s “fine” while acting the opposite.

If you’ve been overcompensating for your partners, you will know because you’re either in it and taking ownership of their feelings and behaviour, or you’re out of it and doing the same thing and feeling wounded by your “failure”.

You’ll be damn near exhausted from trying to figure out the magic words and deeds to keep this person happy so that you can feel happy. You might not know your up from your down because you’ve been ignoring your instincts and listening to them deny, minimise or rationalise the very real concerns. You will feel as if you are failing or have failed because the relationship is all about your effort and on some level you know that you’re giving you away and all for what? To be left feeling inadequate and that nothing was ever good enough?

Well it’s time to ask, What about me?

It’s time to get honest and open up your awareness about where you have held you back and taken over their responsibilities. It’s time to be honest about where you have been hurting and where you’ve had to practically cattle prod partners into responding and showing up. You’ve got to be honest about where you forgot you while trying to make another person the centre of the universe. They’re just not that special. Why are you bowing down and acting as if a miracle has taken place in being given the time of day and now it’s like you have to prove that they didn’t make a mistake in being that person they were in the beginning? Why does everything rest on you?

We can empathise with people and recognise where they have their own stuff to deal with but you know what? If someone’s stuff is going to prevent them from chipping in with love, care, trust, and respect and they’re going to enjoy the fruits of you being an almost skivvy in the relationship, it’s time for them to jog on, because your efforts will not be respected and appreciated for it. If anything, they will feel some level of guilt and rather than step up, they’ll act out, keep distancing themselves from you while telling you what they think you want to hear or pulling other passive aggressive acts because the nicer you are the worse they feel; or they’ll make an exit where they can go back to their comfort zone or press the reset button, all while likely taking no responsibility.

Do not accept less than the very basics of what you deserve by overcompensating and then feeling that you have to wait for some sort of payback. Never treat you like you don’t matter in a messy effort to prove to someone else how much they matter. You know where you stand when you show up as a person who can own their own and has a good sense of self, because you can quickly tell where you’re being left hanging by somebody who is of a very different inclination. Instead of blaming you, you recognise that you both want different things and that no relationship of any decency is going to go anywhere good when it lacks consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy that only materialises when two people show up to a relationship.

Forgive you for where you let them off the hook from showing up and where you forgot your own responsibilities and learn from this experience and what you’ve experienced will be transformed from loss to the gain that it is. These experiences are there to teach us where we need to step up and show up for ourselves in order to change the nature of our journey.

Your thoughts?

Dating Sites Reviews

How To Be The Person You Want To Date

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 03:16 AM PDT

Most of us know Gandhi's famous quote: "Be the change you want to see in the world" – but how many of us practice these words of wisdom, especially when it comes to dating? More often than not, instead of seeing what we can change in ourselves, we are looking at our dates – judging and criticizing and wanting them to change.

Let's face it – dating is rough. It requires patience, persistence, and a positive outlook. Again and again. And while you might feel more patient ...

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Dating Sites Reviews

Most Couples Met IRL, Not Through a Dating App According to Recent Survey

Posted: 26 Mar 2015 03:27 AM PDT

Think you'll have a better chance of meeting a new love through friends rather than Tinder? According to a recent survey by website Mic, you're probably right.

Mic, a news website catering specifically to Millennials, decided to get to the bottom of dating apps and online dating to figure out how people in relationships are actually meeting. As it turns out, for all the buzz of Tinder – (and good news for the online-dating averse) – more couples have met through friends ...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

[New post] These Quotes Will Make You Love Being A Woman (or wish you were one)

Dating Sites Reviews

New Dating App Glimpse Hooks You Up Through Instagram

Posted: 25 Mar 2015 03:54 AM PDT

The most successful dating apps are based on visuals, and typically pull your photos from Facebook to create your dating "profile." This allows potential dates to swipe left and right, rejecting or showing interest – depending almost entirely on the photos you have posted.

Now dating app Glimpse takes things one step further. Acknowledging t ...

dondiebel

How to Create Stronger and More Romantic Relationships With Single Women

Posted: 24 Mar 2015 05:23 PM PDT

How to Create Stronger and More Romantic Relationships With Single Women

You have been dating a nice woman, and the two of you seem to feel at ease with each other and enjoy being together. It feels right being with her, but you have yet to touch, to hold hands, to exchange more than a hug and a nominal kiss or two. Where do you go from here?

Talk. Set up lines of communication. Establish a rapport.
Share your past, your pain and disappointments as well as your triumphs and joys.
Laugh together, cry together. Humor is healing, and tears are sacred.
Slowly and reverently peel back the layers of mystery in each other.

Every revealed nuance, every secret desire, every confession of weakness, every exploration of hope and admission of paralyzing fear strengthens the bond between the two of you, helps you accept the other as a human being, flawed but worthy of acceptance as a trusted and intimate companion.
Share interests, activities, and hobbies:

Play games you both enjoy, board games, lawn games, tennis, bowling, miniature golf, pool, etc.
Prepare home cooked meals for her, and volunteer to wash the dishes when she cooks for you.
Don't forget to praise her spaghetti sauce (made from an old family recipe, no doubt).
Sing to her. Make up silly rhymes to tunes you know.
Tell her stories, true stories from your life and made up stories from your imagination.
Write poems especially for her.
Read aloud favorite plays, each of you taking a part.

Develop customs and "traditions" unique to yourselves as a couple:

Celebrate the monthly anniversary of your first meeting with a small party.
Give her little, inexpensive presents (stuffed animals, key chain trinkets, bath soaps). The personal touch counts.
Remember 'special' dates, not just her birthday.

Build trust:

Be reliable.
Act honorably.
Treat her with respect.
Keep your word. Always.

Learn how to disagree:

Establish the 'rules of engagement', the ground rules for arguing. There is a line you may not cross without causing permanent injury.
Be willing to compromise your differences (as distinct from your principles). Making up after a fight can bring you closer than you
were before.

Get to know her family, and introduce her to your own:

Family background gives important clues to a person's character.
A long-term relationship is a bond between families, not just the persons involved.

There comes that magic moment when you finally touch, when she fiercely grasps your hand of her own free will, when you start to give her the usual goodnight peck on the cheek and she turns her face to catch the kiss full on her lips (and, oh, how soft and yielding and warm they are!). This is a healing touch, an affirmative, giving touch. It is a pledge of yearned for commitment, a seed cast upon the waters of tomorrow.

Consider the process, the dynamic of how two people become one, a couple. The two of you gradually grow closer, begin to have deep feelings for one another, and to bond. Past a certain threshold, you cease to think of the woman as someone you have been dating, instead she becomes the other half of us. This is the point where commitment enters the picture, commitment to the relationship and to the happiness and well being of your partner. This is the critical moment when you decide to share your life together.

Cautions: Since you are somewhat inexperienced in the realm of man- woman relationships, you will blunder at first, learning by trial and error, making painful mistakes. You force the pace, letting your anxiety and impatience bruise the fragile trust between you. You let personal insecurities drive you to acts of jealousy. You try to change, or "remodel" her. Your stratagems to pull her closer, to take possession of her -- drive her away. Sometimes, it seems as if all your efforts are self-defeating...

Be prepared for the possibility that the relationship may never "kindle". If such be the case, consider it 'training' for your next one. Go on with your life. Meet new persons. Explore new relationships.
Finally, recognize that even a close relationship may go sour. Danger signs in a failing relationship include lack of respect between partners, constant bickering, and, most telling of all, power and domination dramas. If the two of you can no longer make each other laugh, give each other comfort by a touch, and share intimate moments, then there is little hope left. If your partner disparages and makes fun of you, there is not much remaining to hold on to. You can no longer evade hard choices, and the time has come to consider a graceful exit.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

New post on Pink Curlers & Post Scripts

Monday, March 30, 2015

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Attention if your under the age of 30

Are you part of my community of successful lovers? Yes, great, your on your journey to getting anything you want out of your love life. If, no, click here to join for FREE.

Want to really blow your date away with how you dress? Check this video out by my friend Ryan Magin. He is a fashion expert and will help you to always look your best in very affordable ways.

Friday, March 27, 2015

At what point did we start covering for them?

Well it’s time to ask, What about me?

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

New post on Pink Curlers & Post Scripts